Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
