my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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