..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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