I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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