Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
