Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
