i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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