I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
