i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
