Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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