no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
