Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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