gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize