its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
