I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
