She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
