Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
