i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
