She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
