I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
