you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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