the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
