I accidentally had phone sex last night
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
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I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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