I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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