pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
