After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
