i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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