this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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