I must be too annoying 4 u.
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.