hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.