Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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