So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
