Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
