That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
