Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
