took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
