apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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