My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
