I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Quick, to the slutcave!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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