At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
