I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Pants are for mortals
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
