proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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