wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
