Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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