I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
