At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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