Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize