It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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