I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
