i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
