Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
