can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
