i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
