I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
