Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
