I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
