His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Operation Purity has been aborted
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
